Remote

It’s a stab in the muscle that is my heart
Every breath burns through my throat
Leaves a taste in my mouth nasty and tart
Time seems so far away and remote

This beating in my chest feels so false
The flowing of blood feels stopped
My fingers, searching, can’t find my pulse
I didn’t notice when the temperature dropped

Everything that touches my skin is so crude
Every sound that reaches my ear is revolting
All the pictures on all the walls look so skewed
All the thoughts leave my head as if molting

I just want to walk out through the door
There is a throbbing I feel in my brain
I don’t care much for oxygen anymore
It seems like such a waste and strain

All this pushing and pulling for what
Just want to scream and not think and feel
So many loose strings need to be cut
Would it be weird if I said life is starting to peel?

Watching As You Sleep

Waking up before you
Won’t move a muscle

A quick turn within sheets
A nearly quiet rustle

Watching as you sleep
Head lying in palm

The lines on your face
A story at its calm

So many questions to wonder
What is it you’re dreaming of?

Where is it that you have gone?
Is it a place that you love?

It’s enough to just watch
But then I move in closer

You arm comes around me
Becoming my enclosure

As I listen to you breathe
I, too, close my eyes

It’s soothing and it’s simple
Oh, how time flies

My Heart Beating In Haste

That sweet simple face
The way your lips taste
My heart beating in haste

Fingers tracing through hair
Hands run over skin bare
My eyes meet your stare

Curve of your neck so right
All senses seem in flight
My breath becomes slight

Quickly two become one
Push to the sound of drums
To the night we succumb

Too Many Too Far Gone

Drowning, in an endless cold
Of falling hours and days.
Gone, have we sold our souls
There is nothing left we can praise.

Gray, fogged eyes everywhere
As there's no hope of sunshine to break.
Empty shells, empty dreams, empty stares
Hearts have forgotten for what they once ached.

Pushing, shoving, slipping through
Too many too far gone to stone.
Nothing, where once there was a hue
A world full of people so alone.

Celebrating Eid With An Undertone of Fear

As many of you know, I am not a practicing Muslim. Although I was born into a large family of religious/practicing Muslims, and raised with the same values and teachings of Islam as everyone else in my family, I, for personal reasons, do not practice the religion of Islam. But that is not what I want to discuss here.

Although I am not a practicing Muslim, I have always respected and encouraged my family's involvement in their religion.

I respect Islam, not because the Quran or anyone else says to respect it, but because there are over 1.3 billion people out there who have faith in their lives and their hearts. But more than that, I respect it because respect is something I have always believed was a basic and common courtesy that everyone and everything deserves; and because religion (any and every religion) is one of the big aspects in life that needs to be respected, whether you follow/believe in it or not, because it involves so many people across the world.

Although I am not a practicing Muslim, I go to many major religious holiday events and gatherings with my family. Even though I do not, for the most part, actively participate in the events, I still attend them with my family because that is what families do. We go places together, and we support each others choices and beliefs.

Eid-ul-Fitar and Eid-ul-Adha are two of those major religious holidays; for Muslims they are as important as Christmas and Easter are for Christians and Catholics. For almost 23 years (the span of my life) now, and even longer than that, my entire family has been celebrating Eid. In the morning, we all go to the fairground that has been rented for the day so that several mosques worth of worshipers can come and pray together; pray in the same manner that I assume Christians do on Christmas morning, though in a different method. After that, there is a festival at the fairground, with stalls, performances, rides, games, foods and sweets, face painting, balloon animals, and so much more. Families stay there at least half the day, sometimes longer, so the children can play and enjoy and so that extended families can spend time together.

For 23 years now, it has been the most carefree day of the year for me and my family. Everyone takes the day off from school and work, we get dressed in our best clothes, and we just enjoy the day without worrying about anything. Moms don't pressure you to eat a healthy meal because they know you only get today to stuff yourself full of cotton candy and ice cream. Dads give you all the money you want to buy tickets for games and rides.

But now, for the first time in 23 years, when we leave home in the morning to head to the fairgrounds, I'll be worrying about the safety of my family. There has been, in the last few weeks, a great increase of animosity towards Muslims all over America. People have been protesting outside of mosques as American Muslims go for Friday prayer (the Muslim equivalent to the Christian's Sunday prayer), activists and politicians are labeling up-and-coming mosques (in several different states) as terrorist training/planning houses instead of houses of worship, activists and politicians are calling out for an end to Islam in America all together, and there is also all the uproar against the 'Ground Zero' Mosque.

And this year, through no controllable factor or fault by humans (let alone Muslims), Eid will fall on either September 10th or 11th. You see, Islam is a religion which functions by the lunar calendar. Eid, which celebrates the end of the month of Ramadan (a month of fasting, prayer, and spiritual reflection), falls on the first day of the next lunar month; which this year will be either September 10th or 11th.

So, imagine our internal conflict at the prospect of celebrating on September 11th. We don't want to cause anyone any kid of pain by celebrating and holding festivals on a day when most Americans mourn the death of the victims of the attack on the Twin Towers on September 11, 2001, but we can't exactly deny ourselves a day of celebration that we have been celebrating for years and years and that we have earned after a month of fasting, praying, and reflecting.

And with all of the hate- and fear-mongering that has been directed towards Islam and Muslims in the past few weeks, can you imagine what those same hate- and fear-mongerers will have to say about an Islamic celebration held on September 10th or 11th. They will say that Muslims all across America are celebrating the victory of the terrorists who crashed the planes into the Twin Towers, that Muslims are celebrating the death of the Americans who died in those attacks, and that our Eid celebration is a 'slap in the face' to all Americans, especially anyone who lost someone to the attacks of September 11, 2001. When, in fact, truth could not be farther from those claims.

And with all of the protesting and conflict that is already in the air, can you imagine the worry and the fear with which we will head towards the Eid prayer and celebration in the morning. Will there be protesters outside of the fairgrounds, or worse, on the fairgrounds? Will they heckle us as we enter? Will they heckle us as we try to enjoy the festival? Will any of them get physical and violent? What if my mother or father gets injured? What if my brother gets injured? What if my fragile grandmother gets injured? What if one of my aunts or uncles or one of my cousins gets injured?

Some mosques have already canceled their Eid celebrations all together, out of fear for the safety of their congregants. That was very painful news to hear. It makes my heart heavy to realize the religious persecution that Muslims are facing in a country that was built on a foundation of religious freedom by people who were fleeing religious persecution.

The reason I am writing this is because I want all of you to have a face to go along with your thoughts and opinions of Eid. A face that you know and can recognize as human. A face that would not purposely cause you any kind of pain. I am writing this in hopes that you will realize what Eid means to an average Muslim-American. I am writing this so that when you hear someone talking about 'supposed evil Muslims who are celebrating the acts of terrorism', you will know better than to believe those claims. I am writing this in hopes that when you hear those claims, you will choose to speak out for the truth. I am writing this in hopes that you might pass this message on to everyone you know so that they may also know. I am writing this in hopes that on the morning of Eid, and continued throughout the day and even after, my family will be safe and be able to celebrate in peace.

He Says I Remind Him

He says I broke his heart
I remind him that it's not possible
He says he loved me
I remind him of all the other girls

He says I meant more to him than them
I remind him how often he spread those words
He says I don't understand
I remind him that it is actually quite simple

He says he can't help it
I remind him that he is allowed what he wants
He says he doesn't understand my leaving
I remind him that I have self-worth

He says I am being selfish
I remind him that one of us has to value me
He says I am thinking about it too much
I remind him that someone should

He says he is sorry for the way he is
I remind him that there is no need
He says I should give him a second chance
I remind him that I know better

Altering Everything

He walks in beauty, through my dreams
Altering everything I see and how it seems
Painting visions that move and dance
And, oh, how they take every chance

With him, nothing is, everything changes
It's gone, blown away have the pages
We've left a whole world behind
He has led me to let my wings unwind

In my heart, he engenders clarity
Within him is the grace of sincerity
He has taken me to ethereal spheres
There I have shattered shackles of fear

But, alas, awaken; he is nowhere to be seen
Life and dreams, caught, torn in between
Wishing on how things could have been
Longing to watch the morning break upon his skin

Crashing Down

you're not allowed to come here.
you're not allowed to say that.
i decided this already.
i've already made that decision.

i swore i would never again.
you can't ask me to.
you can't say that.

don't tell me you're sorry.
don't tell me it was a mistake.
i don't care what has changed.
don't look at me that way.

how did you even find me?
i was so sure i had covered my tracks.
so sure i had washed away the roads.
and burned all the bridges.
i was so sure i had made it
so that you wouldn't be able to find me.

stop.

don't.
i don't want to hear it.
i can't listen to it.
you have to leave.
i can't have you here.
and i can't let you take me back to that place.

nothing has changed.
i already made that decision.
and i wont change it now.

dammit!
why did you come here?
how did you even find me?

please. just stop.
stop talking.
please.
just go.

you can't ask me to.
you can't say that.

no. this is not what i wanted.
just. go.

Your Voice

It follows me everywhere
Like a shadow, but aware.
I would never have a choice
It was always there, your voice.

In the dead dark of night
When memories are in spite,
When the whole world is silent
And dreams become violent.

Your voice breaks upon me
And I dive into it like the sea.
As a breeze, it caresses my skin;
Taking me over from within.

Traces through my every thought
As it holds my heart caught.
Leaving marks on my memories;
Creating its own stories.

It's all that's left in your wake
With so much that's at stake.
Like music or weaving spells,
Listen as the sound wells.

I hear those words laced
It leaves my demons faced
The sound brings a calm
As it becomes my balm

I can still hear your words
Gliding within me like birds
In the darkness I close my eyes
And listen to your voice rise

Regress

That's sweet of you, but, no, I don't want to talk about it. This is my emotional baggage to carry. As time passes, this baggage may become demons. But, even then, they will be my demons to battle against.

. . . . .

It doesn't matter how old you are. It doesn't matter how much progress you think you've made. Or even how much progress you think they have made. Parents have a way of making children regress.

You can be twenty-something, up in your room, listening to music, getting ready to go out with your friends. You think you hear something, so you stop what you're doing, you put down what you have in your hand, you walk over to the stereo. And before you even turn down the music, you know you're going to regret it; but you have to do it, you have to be sure.

With the music down, you can hear their voices. You wish you could convince yourself that they're are just conversing loudly, not arguing. But then again, it's always been easier to lie to others than it has been to lie to yourself.

And just like that, you're five years old again and sitting at the top of the stairs. You sit so still and so silent. They're the ones that are fighting, but you're the vulnerable one. You can't figure it out. You can't figure out why they fight. Why they can't just understand one another. You can't figure out what you can say or do to make it stop. Why wont it ever stop.

It's the most vulnerable you've ever been in your entire life. But here's the catch, it wasn't just when you were five years old. You've been alive for well over twenty years now, but ever single time it happens, you are five years old all over again.

You tell yourself, it's not just me. Hundreds upon hundreds of people go through the same exact thing. They feel the same exact kind of vulnerable. You'll be fine, everyone else is.

So you pick your five year old self up off the stairs and take it back to your room. You turn the music back up, you pick up your hair brush again, and you go back to getting ready to go out with your friends.

But you can still hear their voices, they've become an underlying chorus to the songs. You stand in front of the mirror, brushing your hair, but you don't actually see anything. You're zoning, your eyes have dilated a little and your vision is a stagnant blur. Is that a shell you see in the mirror?

You shake your head; it doesn't matter what you see in the mirror. Don't worry, you tell yourself, you've been planning and preparing for years now. You're going to change things. You're going to make it so these fights don't happen anymore. You're going to take away all those hurdles that seem to keep them apart.

You've only got a few more years to go before you can complete what you are working on. And then you're going to take them, and yourself, and leave this place and leave these people. And we're all going to start all over again. Just a few more years. Just a few more years.

Yes, sometimes you do find yourself thinking that it would be so much simpler to just drop everything and move on to another place. A place where they are not, a place where you only have to worry about yourself.

But you know it's not that easy. It doesn't matter how far away you are from them, that five year old child isn't ever going to feel secure unless you change the things, not the place, that made that child vulnerable in the first place.

Just a few more years and you'll be able to change those things, those circumstances. Right? You've been planning and preparing for years, it's the only plan you have, the only way you know how. But, will it work?

Stop. Stop questioning it. Questioning it wont help. You can't know either way, can you? So there is no point in second guessing it. No, you tell yourself, just keep working towards the plan you have in place.

Focus. Focus. Brush your hair. Pull on your coat. Quietly, slip down the stairs and out the door. No one else has to know what is going on. Get through tonight, then you can come home and think on it some more. Then you can worry about the next step.

What Do You Want From Me?

.

Hey, slow it down.
What do you want from me?


I find that to be a rather unfair question for you to be asking me, considering that several months ago the table was turned and I had asked you this very same question.

Six years now, we've been like this. Met under whirlwind circumstances, and stuck together in a way that only dysfunction could hold together. And that's the way we have been all this time. Six years of a never ending ebb and flow of dysfunction.

So, I had no choice but to ask you what you wanted from me. Your answer was only silence and that look in your eyes. A look that told me that you did love me, that you did wish you could make things different, but that you didn't have an answer for me; that you did not know what you wanted.

Now, it's me sitting on the edge of the bed in silence, and it's you standing there not two yards in front of me. Looking down at my face, eyes imploring for answers, fingers wringing as if entire lives depended on the answer to this question.

But just like back then when you didn't have any answers for me, and regardless of how much I wish I had an answer for you, I don't have any I can give to you. And now, finally, I think I understand your answer that was silence.


Just don't give up.
I'm working it out.


Yes, but those are the same exact words we've been telling each other, and ourselves, all along. They're nothing more than a hollow mantra now.


Please, don't give in.
I won't let you down.


I wish I believed that. I wish I could make myself believe that. I know that you love me, there was never any doubt. I know you wish you could make things different, it's not like you never tried. But after six years of this, six years that have felt like a forever, I just can't do this anymore.

I can't do the fights, the silences, the passion, the utter dysfunction. Somehow, these are the only ways we can express what we mean to each other, these are the things that hold us together, and yet these are the things that will never let us move forward.

It messed me up. I need a second to breathe.

I know you love me. And don't you ever doubt that I loved you. In fact, I've never been able to discern which one of us loved the other more. But I can't do this anymore.

As your eyes search mine for answers, silence is the only answer I can give to you because there are no more words for this. My bags are already packed. I am going somewhere far away, some new place that I've never been before. Some place that isn't tainted yet.

I wish I could say to you that I hope somewhere down the line we would run into each other again. That we would both be in a different place in our lives and that we could try again. Because, deep deep down somewhere, there really is a part of me that wishes this. But I can't tell you that.

Because, the truth of the matter is that I won't be waiting. I think we've been over for a while now, we just didn't know it till now. And in that time between being over and finally knowing, I've had the chance to come to terms with everything that has happened and will happen. I still love you, and always will, but I'm over you now. I'm ready for my life to move forward.

I wont be waiting for you. I'm going to start a new life, meet someone new, someone stable. I'm going to get married and start a family. And I hope you can do the same for yourself. Which is why it's probably best if we don't ever run into each other down the line. I can't imagine it would be healthy or pleasant in any way for either of us.

But, here, in this present moment, I truly do wish there was an answer I could give to you. But I think we both finally realized that there isn't one, is there? That's why you couldn't give me an answer either when I asked you the same question months ago, isn't it? Because there are no words that could fix this or hold it all together.

Caught Forever In The Now

Time ebbs and flows
Pushing us and pulling us
The past and the future confused
Memories twisted and reshaped

No one ever really knows
How can we ever trust
Choices that have been used
Chances that have escaped

Who are we to guess the past
We are but mere mortals
Who are we to decide the future
Caught forever in the now

Dreams begin to contrast
Lost are the portals
There are no sutures
Illusions won’t allow

And then it all breaks
Waves and glass alike
Crystal clear knowing
That shattering truth

The ground quakes
Lightning strikes
All is finally showing
But there is nothing

Falling To Fragments

wow! If you ever want to relive your past, just read through your poetry in chronological order. That is what I just went through in the last three days as I loaded my poetry here onto Blogger. And let me tell you, it was hard going through, reliving the feelings and the memories of the past. You look back and you ask yourself, was I really that person? And, there, within your own written words is your answer, yes.

But there is something even more extraordinary I realized while reading through my poetry. I never experimented enough, I never (or very rarely) tried anything new and original. Every poem I ever had an idea for, I fit it right into conventional sonnets and conventional rhyme schemes. And whats more, I never wrote anything but poems. There is no prose nor short stories. Just poems.

It's not that I've never wanted to write something outside the box, I just never felt like it was a risk I could take. But now, as I think it over, I realize that I've got nothing to lose.

So, now, I'm going to write unconventional poems. I'm going to write prose, and fragments, and maybe even short stories. and that's were the title of this blog comes in.

Fragments. It's something we learned about in my American Lit class, in regards to the era of literature known as Postmodernism. A form of expression that I didn't understand at first. Something I struggled with for over a month in class. And then it hit me, this is exactly the form of expression I had been starting off with before conforming to conventional forms.

Now I wont be conforming anymore. I am going to let my fragments reign free. This blog is where I am going to post/store all of my works. Who knows, maybe one day I'll publish. Till then, instead of falling to pieces, I'll be Falling To Fragments.

That Thing We Never Were

- originally written May 27, 2010 -

After all that’s been said
And everything has been done
All the memories in my head
All this waiting has been for none

Let’s put an end to this guise
This is the end of the line
As I look into your eyes
Can you see it in mine?

That thing we never were
The things we’ll never become
A ceasing of the inner stir
The silencing of the hum

Who will break this final gaze?
Before we go our separate ways

A Mere Lips Distance Away

- originally written December 12, 2009 -

He moves through my life like a cool breeze
And makes my breath come with such ease
A sweet, gentle, swaying feeling in my soul
He’s going to be the one to make me whole

Undoing every scar I’ve accumulated over time
Somewhere in his words he has a secret rhyme
The one that is going to redeem me of my past
And open my eyes to a world of possibilities vast

As he takes my hand and looks into my eyes
I swear I can hear all the secrets in the skies
A millions whispered prayers of every beating heart
Memories release and finally time is ready to start

His dreams paint with colors I’ve never seen
I find that his laughter holds a certain sheen
And as he stands a mere lips distance away
I just know I’ll never again have to pray

Like Poison To My Heart

- originally written December 12, 2009 -

You come around here again
After the way things have been
You don’t know that I know now
This time I’ll take the bow

You continue your slights of hand
Writing your words in the sand
But this time around I know
That it’s all just one big show

Inside I’m laughing at it all
How could you have had the gall
How could I have believed you
It’s my fault for not seeing the clues

And for half a moment there
I wish that everything we shared
Every look and every touch
I wish it had meant as much

I wish I could make myself believe
That it wasn’t one big deceive
I wish you’d give me a reason
To excuse all traces of treason

But it’s only for half a second
Before the truth again beckons
I remember your forked tongue
And the way that my heart stung

Now the words that you speak
And your promises so weak
They’re like poison to my heart
Destroying memories from the start

How much longer will you stay
Before you realize I won’t play
You need to look into my eyes
And realize that I know your lies

Forked Tongue

- originally written December 12, 2009 -

You were just one more boy
Who came along to destroy
I saw you whisper in her ear
The same things I used to hear

Or was I just one more girl
For your words to twirl
You’ve collected so many
Weren’t worth more than a penny

Keeping us all strung along
Never thought it was wrong
So many slights of hand
You had it all planned

I always saw the grin in your eye
Should have known things were awry
But I never saw the forked tongue
That for so long kept us all hung

Now I can see it all so clearly
I’m done being your 'merely'
I couldn’t believe it at first
But now I know you at your worst

Caught Between The Lies

- originally written December 11, 2009 -

Caught between the lies he told
And making all the pieces hold
She’s got nothing to call her own
And time is turning her to stone

All around her there’s a fire
Situations are beginning to dire
There is a whole world at stake
And the ground is at a quake

She’s got nowhere to turn
As her skin begins to burn
With so much to think through
She’ll wonder and she’ll rue

With a hollow beating in her chest
What can she do with the rest
As every truth begins to shift
All her reasons begin to drift

There’s only time left for regret
No chance she’ll ever forget
A false world they had built
As memories begin to wilt

Holding Out Till Daylight

- originally written September 18, 2009 -

And in the dead of the dark night
It’s the world that she’s holding back
Pushing, she’s holding out till daylight
Afraid of what is hiding in the shadows black

Waves are crashing across her shoulders
From the swelling storm she cannot see
Her wings are caught beneath boulders
Even as she tries to hold them back, the tears flee

The dam that’s groaning, threatening to break
Holding back a whole world of unknowns
There is a lifetime of nightmares at stake
She’s searching desperately for a way to atone

There is a wind that is tearing past her skin
In her dreams the cold is enough to freeze
Pain as punishment for some unknown sin
Looking out into the distance, she sees

No one is coming to pick up all the pieces
She knows the black will never lighten to grey
And as the dark of the night never ceases
No one ever told her that it would be ok

In That Moment

- originally written May 21, 2009 -

There are secrets I want to whisper to you when you look at me in that way that takes me to a place where I can feel the blood pulsing beneath my skin. Secrets I’ve never even spoken to myself rest safely in those moments that I am with you. In that moment when you stand a mere lips distance away from me. The laughter on your voice is the song to which I now sway to across the floors. And in your eyes I can see my dreams. Dreams of the tomorrows I never saw before. The pictures they paint are with colors I’ve never experienced before. You are the one who created these colors and they float me away on this ever gently rocking sea. And take me to this place I never knew before. In that moment …that moment… in which I want to forgive everyone and everything because I don’t want anyone or anything that’s ever been said or done to me to hold me back anymore. In that moment, I want to be whole so I can give my everything to you. All of it. Because you …you… are something I never even dared to dream up before. Something I never would have thought tangible. And yet, here you are. You make me want to be something so much more than I would have thought possible. You make me redeemable. You are my strength, and I will come away from everything that ever made me less than human. You are my faith, and I will walk into my every potential and achieve all my dreams. You are my courage, and I will fight every battle that comes my way. You …you… are the blessing that life has bestowed upon me. And I will never ever go a day without realizing you for all that you are to me.

The Story You Never Told

- originally written April 18, 2009 -

A voice I will never hear
The story you never told
Baby, on a night unclear
When did our dreams turn cold?

An outline I will never trace
The shadows cast and dance
It is the never ending chase
Against that ever fleeting glance

Changing all that’s left behind
I’m not who I used to be then
Looking for what you’ll never find
In this world of beasts and men

Whispers riding on the breeze
Through curtains half drawn
Sounds and blisses that tease
Reminding of all that is gone

All around thoughts are swirling
As I’m grasping for answers
Everywhere my hopes are twirling
Slipping away like graceful dancers

Silent Stillness

- originally written April 16, 2009 -

He stares off into some other place
With eyes too old for his youth age
There is a silent stillness to his grace
With eyes not of green but of sage

Watching him and waiting with sighs
Waiting for his lips to break into grin
Waiting for laughter to touch his eyes
For his solemness should be a sin

Wondering on that which he is thinking
For he seems to live in his thoughts
What is it that keeps his heart sinking?
Where can his peace be sought?

A Pressure Pushing From Within

- originally written April 8, 2009 -

How can I tell you the words
That no one is going to hear
My heart is divided into thirds
And I can’t get a hold to steer

There is a storm building inside
A pressure pushing from within
It’s a shriek I can no longer hide
Thoughts that are cutting my skin

Caught between these emotions
My composure will surely break
How will I ever cross these oceans?
I have to decide what is real or fake

I’m torn by words left unspoken
And the way you won’t look at me
It’s all going to leave me broken
And I’ll be left looking out at sea

Leave Me Slain

- originally written March 26, 2009 -

Memories are all that remain
And their enough to tear apart
My heart and leave me slain
It was a bad idea from the start

Phantom kisses now cut me
Tearing away through bone
And as I long to be free
My throat releases a moan

Promises you made burn
Like words branded on skin
It can make the soul yearn
For the way things had been

Dreams you painted blind
Against visions of tomorrow
There is nothing left behind
Time refuses to relieve sorrow

A Boy Who Will Break Her

- originally written March 21, 2009 -

She knows a boy who will break her
Break her clear in two but not so clearly
Vehemently, he makes her existence stir
Yet she holds him in her heart so dearly

He would ask her to cut and let blood*
Then tell her that she can’t understand
He would leave her to stand the flood
Without extending to her his hand

Of her, he always asks for these things
And leaves her to wonder if he’d look
Would he see how his indifference stings
Would he see what it strained and took?

To give him what he always asks of her
If she could she would give all he asks for
As all her thoughts are beginning to blur
She tries to stand, but she falls to the floor

If only… if he’d only just look her way
He would see a girl that is already broken
Torn by the games life will continue to prey
But to him, she is merely another token


*bloodletting

Dream

- originally written March 4, 2009 -

Dream gently of the waves
That ferry travelers through night
And the grace that saves
As birds take eternal flight

Dream of that basking glow
As beauty spills over a brim
From the moon that flows
To fill a night that is dim

Dream of a path that is kind
Made of whispers of sand
That will help you to find
The way to a lover's hand

Dream of clouds of white
That glide in skies above
Blown by a wind so light
As pure as God's dear dove

Dream of laughter sweet
As it escapes a child's sway
And your heart will ever greet
The gentle breeze that plays

Silence

- originally written March 4, 2009 -

I know now what the silence can hold
In the dark shadows of a mans soul
I know the secrets that must go untold
And how the quiet can take its toll

The shame within ones own chest
Can eat away what once was a core
Until there remains no way to rest
And even the richest man is poor

The forceful darkness that consumes
Will tear away at ones humanity
Listen as the quiet stains and blooms
Until it leaves a world with insanity

I know the tight fist that silence keeps
Clasping the heavily thudding heart
And the man that neither wakes nor sleeps
Will quickly tear himself quietly apart

You Are My Dysfunction

- originally written February 10, 2009 -

My story is told, my hands are tied
There’s no denying you are my dysfunction
Forgetting you, it’s not like I haven’t tried
But heart and mind have decided at this junction

Although you did it all the wrong way
You lied, you twisted, you broke, you tore
Even though you couldn’t find it to stay
And we can’t go back to that way it was before

You are the hole that I refuse to fill
You are the cut that I won’t allow to heal
Instead of moving on, I will stand still
Release is a sympathy I refuse to feel

I was the one who pushed you away
I’ll be the one to come back and be shamed
On my knees, I will be the one to pray
Even though you are the one to be blamed

And It Is You I See

- originally written December 30, 2008 -

The sand beneath my feet, so loose and unsure
As the sun breaks so smooth across my skin
All the while, the light rain washes my soul pure
But this harsh wind could tear me apart from within

The depth of this ocean is something I can't ignore
I breathe in deep as the cries from the birds above start
And the waves that are crashing against the shore
Are crashing with such force against the walls of my heart

Sand, sun, rain, water, wind, waves and birds
All these colors, but none of them belong together
There are so many, but to ask a question you need words
What can I do to satiate this stormy weather?

So I close my eyes and it is you I see hidden behind them
From my heart you have spread through my vision
You can be my saving grace or you can condemn
So why do I feel like I have to make the decision?

While Mine Are The Tears That Gleam

- originally written September 26, 2008 -

I can feel my throat close tightly
Around the words I'll never get to say
And my breath catches slightly
When I realize you're too far away

You put all these ideas in my head
You were the one to create these dreams
So how come you're the one who's fled
While mine are the tears that gleam?

If I could just turn away from you
I would walk away from everything
Away from all you put me through
From your every word like a sting

I don't think that you can understand
That with this you are breaking my heart
I know that this isn't what you had planned
But you're the one who's tearing it apart

Silent Poison That Runs Through My Veins

- originally written August 20, 2008 -

I have to be the one to let you go
I have to be the one to deal the blow
A silent poison that runs in my veins
You'll never know how it reigns

You'll be the one to hold me down
I'll have to get out before I drown
You'll bring my world to crumble
If I let you, forever I will stumble

I know that If I were to stay with you here
My mind will never be able to be clear
To hold you is to be held in a cloudy confusion
As good as it may feel, I know its an illusion

I have to move on to better things
I need to unfold these bruised wings
There is a whole world beyond you
Hard as it is to move on and start anew

You Hold Me

- originally written August 20, 2008 -

You hold me in this sweet torment
It's not healthy; my soul is bent
Can't ask you to stop; I'm conflicted
To the taste of you I am addicted

Your hands trace my every line
Sends a cold shiver down my spine
The touch of your kiss can hold time still
Could easily turn day to night at will

You've got me under some kind of spell
Where only you as divine can dwell
Your words brake upon me like a wave
Simple biddings to which I am a willing slave

Won't you ever release me from this?
Let me go with one last desperate kiss
Release me from the chains I willingly bear
Remove this blindfold I have chosen to wear

The Taste Of Waiting Is Bittersweet

- originally written August 19, 2008 -

For even a breath of a second
Don't you dare even think it
That I wouldn't give up everything
Within even less than a heartbeat

A force to with which to be reckoned
The flame that is waiting to be lit
You hold me tied with a mere string
The taste of waiting is bittersweet

As I am waiting to be beckoned
Wishing that you will soon admit
So I could be free of this sting
To be immersed in this complete heat

Ask of me whatever it is you will
I'll always be here forever waiting
You leave me with such a sweet pain
From which I wish never to be free

Forever here as a statue so still
Every sight of you is so elating
Like the coming of a sweet rain
As it touches the waves of a salty sea

The grace of your touch leaves a thrill
Of which there is no equating
All of this waiting isn't in vain
If one day you will hear my plea

Grow Up And Apart

- originally written July 27, 2008 -

I understand, we will grow up and apart
Life will take us in different directions
Time and distance will distract my heart
And I will make some new connections

You'll go on in your own directions and choices
You will become a person I won't have a hand in
So many people, different places and new voices
There are so many theories you still have to spin

But promise me that somewhere down the line
Someday far from now, far from this place
We'll meet and our stories will again intertwine
And our lives will take on that long lost grace

We'll dance that dance we always swore we would
We'll take that walk we always meant to take together
Finally figure out everything we ever misunderstood
And from there on out we'll always keep each other

Lines Are Beginning To Blur

- originally written July 27, 2008 -

You're not that guy and I'm not that girl
Neither of us are what we had in mind
We come from two completely different worlds
Such polarity you never thought you'd find

Yet here are our atmospheres seeming to collide
Here your time seems to be invading mine
All lines are beginning to blur across the divide
Second guessing if I should fight it or resign

If you do come into my world and linger
You'll stay for just more than a moment here
And long before I'm ready for you to leave
I'll have to watch in vain as you disappear

If you do come you'll bring in your wake
A new taste left in my mouth or scent on the breeze
To which an addiction I'll never be able to break
Something that will forever bring me to my knees

But I can't resist this new direction you're taking me
For these fleeting moments that our worlds intertwine
I can't seem to resist the way you make me tremble
Such a pleasant shiver that flows down my spine

At The End Of The Day

- originally written May 16, 2008 -

Days so long and tired and drawn out
So full of so many things to be done
Relief seems to be in a constant drought
Life can't be stopped once it's begun

Expected to fulfill our predetermined roles
Playing out our demanded masquerades
How can we ever know what is in our souls
Consumed in the games we have to play

But I want nothing more when the day ends
Than to lay my tired body down next to you
To mold myself into your every bend
And to just listen to your words so true

To be wrapped in the eternity of your arms
To feel your chin nuzzle into my shoulder
To be so protected, so far away from harm
A place to stay warm as the world gets colder

To listen for your breathe as for a lullaby
Words you have whispered in my ears
Have somehow carved onto my heart
So as to not be forgotten over the years

The next morning life will return hostile
A constant struggle against constant fray
But I would endure each and every trial
So long as I have you at the end of the day

Wonder And Yet Know

- occurred September 25, 2007 -
- written February 24, 2008 -

She is sitting at her desk; it's late, nearly midnight. The only light in the entire house is the one coming from her computer screen. Just days ago she discovered a lie. Now she has steeled her heart and made a decision. She will confront…deal…and move past…it…him. As she writes the letter, she doesn't think of how this will be the last letter to ever pass between them. All that she can think about is how much it hurts being in the place she is in now. All she can think about is how angry she is that he would bring her to this place. As she writes the letter, she doesn't think about how he is in her every breathe. In her moment of white hot pain mixed with fiery anger, she writes the letter that will lead to the discussion which will lead to the end. And she mistakenly believes that she will be able to live after this. Carefully, methodically, she writes the very same letter she wrote while she was awake. She is completely oblivious to the happenings around her. Oblivious to how, as she continues to type, the words are slowly slithering down off of her computer screen and as they reach the floor they morph into a snake. The snake is black and white, just as the words are on her computer screen. Ever so slowly, the snake slithers up and around her, hissing occasionally as if in pain. Completely oblivious to being encompassed by this snake, she continues to write her letter. The snake is squeezing the breathe out of her, as snakes do with their prey to take their lives before swallowing them whole. But she can't feel anything. She can't feel the pressure or strength of the snake, she can't feel her breathe or her life leaving her; it is leaving her. She can only continue with her letter.

When she finally wakes in the morning, she will wonder and yet know what this dream means. But she will take it and shuffle it away somewhere inside of her. She has already sent the letter. She can't…won't…take it back. Nothing can be done to fix this.

And I Long To Be

- originally written January 12, 2008 -

Oh dear sweet innocent love interest of mine,
Never doubt that I want to be with you.
Wrapped in your glance there is a sense of divine,
Locked in time with you there is a light hue.

Watching you from afar I am dizzy, light and free,
And all the stars above seem to be winking.
You stare off into space and I long to be,
That of which you seem to be thinking.

Oh how my lips long to linger at your lips,
My hands tremble in want to caress your face.
Around you the rest of the world seems to slip,
My head is spinning and my heart can't keep pace.

Walking with you by my side I don't think I'll stop.
Hanging on to every precious word you send my way,
I could float away like a bubble that wont ever pop.
I could spend forever with you like this everyday.

You Shall Want For Nought

- originally written November 29, 2007 -

Wanting. Wanting. Wanting.

It's such a painful thing.

Something you can't have.
Someone who doesn't want you back.
Something that the world dictates is wrong.

So, why do we want?

Are these things really so bad?

But if they weren't bad, why would the world/society say that they are?

But most importantly, why do we want?

Are we really a world full of masochists* disguising ourselves as normal people?

We want something that, for whatever reason, we can't have. And it hurts inside. Enough that every time you are reminded of this, a wave of heavy fatigue takes you over. And all you want to do is give up going on.

I'm not talking about being reminded of it constantly. Part of our disguise of being normal is that we go day to day ignoring ourselves and pushing forward. We have to live in the now. But, once in a decent while, you see or notice something little in the world, something insignificant even, something that reminds you that deep down somewhere inside of you, you are hiding a want. And BAM that wave of fatigue washes over you! And that foundation of excuses and reasons that you have been using to push forward with starts to quake. And you know that you can lose your will to move forward in an instant if you let yourself.

But, no, you won't succumb to it. You've been working too hard to hide. There is no way in hell that you are going to let that foundation crumble. So you fight through that fatigue. And you go on with your day. Try and pretend like it never happened. Keep yourself occupied until you fall into bed ready to sleep. And hope against hope that when you wake up in the morning, you will have forgotten that you remember.

If you're lucky, you will have forgotten. If your not, you'll lie to yourself and pretend that you have. And then you will pack your day, or maybe week, so full of things that need to be done that you won't have a moment to breathe, let alone think. And this is a sure proof plan for forgetting that you remember.

Once the plan is successfully followed through on, you can go on with your life, assured that the want is once again hidden away. And you won't have to worry again for a while. Not until the next little insignificant thing that reminds you of what you want to forget passes through your life.

Never considering the fact that every time you go through this process, every time you build you foundation stronger, thicker, and higher, you will have farther to fall when you finally do fall. And rest assured that you will fall; it's virtually inevitable in the laws of life and the universe (which go hand in hand). Unless of course your lucky enough to die an early and completely unexpected death. Preferably something quick and painless.

So, are we really a bunch of closet masochists* disguised as normal people?

Because, as much as we tell ourselves that we are hiding our wants so as to not unbalance society, it is a choice that we have made on our own, each as an individual. No one made it for us. We have decided to hurt ourselves for the so called 'greater good'.

It's all one big defense mechanism. One that we are not actually taught, but one that we pick up subconsciously.

It's all so beautifully artistic, isn't it?

Worth Anything

- originally written October 28, 2007 -

Did I mean so little to you all along?
From where did it all go so wrong?
Why didn't you fight for us to make it?
Was it really all that easy for you to quit?

Why didn't you come after me?
What is it that compelled you to flee?
Was I really not worth anything to you?
Am I just some phase you went through?

Packed All Your Things

- originally written October 25, 2007 -

In the middle of the dead dark night
You packed all your things and left
Without so much as saying goodbye
Now all alone, I feel so off balance

I try keeping myself numb all the time
So I won't feel any of the pain that's there
I haven't cried yet, although I want to
Crying seems so pointlessly in vain

The only one I want to see me cry is you
I want you to wrap me in your arms
As tear after tear streams down my face
It should be you here holding me up

I want to ask you why why why why why
There is so much that I don't understand
I want you to wipe away my tears and promise
That you'll never do anything like this again

Leave Me Breathless

- originally written September 26, 2007 -

Take me by the hand without a word
Just let your eyes work their magic
Make it so that not a sound is heard
For this silence is anything but tragic

Draw me slowly closer and closer to you
I can smell the pure intoxication in the air
Nothing about this here could ever be untrue
Each and every escaping breath is a prayer

Heart beating so strong it might consume me
Every single one of my senses is heightened
I'm spinning so quickly, mind completely dizzy
You're making me a different kind of frightened

Is the music still playing, I can't seem to hear it?
Are people still continuing their lives around us?
Your hands on my neck and in my hair seem to fit
Make your move, there's nothing left to discuss

My eyes are closed as your lips gently meet mine
I can feel something inside I've never felt before
I know now what it means when souls intertwine
The life I was living till now isn't enough anymore

You leave me breathless as you take a step back
Or is it just that I've never breathed before now?
These mere inches of distance are a heart attack
My whole existence is sighing a long "wow"

The Edge Of This High Cliff

- originally written August 17, 2007 -

Standing here at the edge of this high cliff
I feel complete like I never have before
So free inside, not a single muscle is stiff
There is nothing left to hold me back anymore

So high up, away from the worries down below
A lush green future stands before me, calling
I can hear the river sing as life continues to flow
So peaceful, even the animals don't bother brawling

Feeling the gentle breeze wrap itself around me
My choice is a very easy one to make and take
All I have to do is take a step and fall into the trees
And all the bonds of the world will easily break

But I open my eyes to a different world it seems
With a sigh I wonder why I dream these dreams

Hold Her Up

- originally written August 15, 2007 -

The ground is trembling beneath her
And her wings can't carry her anymore
Visions and dreams have begun to blur
All this pain is getting too hard to ignore

What she cries out for in her heart
Is something she will never speak of
She holds herself worlds and worlds apart
As far as the ground is from the sky above

All her walls of protection are crumbling
The scars she tries to cover become exposed
Everywhere she turns, demons are mumbling
She prays as she holds her eyes tightly closed

All she wants is for a man to hold her up
As all her dreams come crashing down
As the dam she has been holding back breaks
For him to make it so that she wont drown

I'm Sorry

- originally written August 9, 2007 -

Nothing can ever happen between us
I just can't seem to bring myself to trust you
I can't do any of this if I always have to guess
For so many reason that are unfair to you

The chances are far too great, it's too easy
That you will repeat to another what you say to me
I don't mean to make you out as if you are sleazy
But of your dedication I have no guarantee

It's not even your fault; this is just how you are
But I need to feel like I'm the only one around
To hear that tone directed at another is too bizarre
It's enough to leave me feeling frozen to the ground

I already admitted that this is unfair on your part
I'm quite sure that this is all just in my head
But my head makes it far too hard for my heart
And I can't live with all of this internal dread

No matter how much you offer to do so
I can't ask you to change who you are inside
I am sorry that we didn't get a chance to grow
I'm sorry I couldn't be stronger when we tried

Where Is He, That...

- originally written July 19, 2007 -

Where is he, that I am in need of?
Times are getting all the more frightening
Where is he, that will show me love?
I need an essence in my life that is enlightening

Look at me as if you know I can get through
Let me see in your eyes that there is peace
Help me to fulfill my wish to start anew
Teach me that there is such a thing as release

Read all of the words that I have scripted
And then ask me forever for more words
Find me from in the words I have encrypted
Tell me it's like nothing you've ever heard

Be my anchor in this distraught world
Hold me till I'm steady; hold me still
Sing to me a lullaby as I lay here curled
Fill me with so many dreams that I spill

Lift me and carry me in your arms
Breathe on me a gentle kiss of affection
Make it so the I will never fall to harm
Promise me you are forever my protection

To Live My Own Life

- originally written July 6, 2007 -

Pushed in a million different directions
As if by the will of a tumultuous ocean
What went wrong, no time for reflection
This ocean is of my very own emotion

Am I doing right? Am I doing wrong?
Who gets to decide, shouldn't it be me?
Have you been lying to me all along?
Against you, is it truly a crime to disagree?

I know that I am no longer a young child
So why do you try to control my choices
A world full of people has left me beguiled
Why won't you let me listen to their voices?

All my life, all I've longed to be is free
To live my own life, to live it just for me

Come Take Me Away

- originally written June 23, 2007 -

Oh, dear sweet angel of mine
Won't you please come take me away
Let's go to some place much more divine
Before it becomes too late and I begin to stray

This place where no one seems to understand
I can't possibly stay here for much longer
Reach out in the darkness, give me your hand
With your help I know my soul can be stronger

My world is crumbling all around me
I can see it as it turns to sand and dust
It's got me painfully down on my knees
And all this empty pain feels so unjust

To a place of honest beauty and peace
Where I can cry of release and not of grief
I know there is a place where pain will cease
I know it exists more than any kind of belief

If you take me their, I know I can be content
I won't need anything but your presence and affection
I know that is the way things were always meant
Together, in this place, we will achieve perfection

Pain

- originally written May 28, 2007 -

I can see it in your eyes
The way you hide from the world
Trust no truth, trust no lies
Disbelief as the world's secrets unfurled

I know that even love can't reach you
You're the one who locked up your soul
Only you can pull yourself through
But you'd rather let the world swallow you whole

I see how you fight everyone and everything
You struggle on the outside to hide the inside
You know it hurts, but you walk past the sting
You don't even wait for the pain to subside

I see all this, and I have only one prayer
I wish I could save you from yourself
I would take away everything that unfair
Try to carry some of your burden for myself

Would you let me in to help you to heal
I'll ask you to please put down your wielded knife
It may hurt, but it's something you need to feel
Please, finally, let me be a part of you life

Finally Our Chance

- originally written May 24, 2007 -

Once I wore shackles that bound me
They held me back, would never let us be
As much as I loved you, I had to remain silent
And the tearing in my soul was ever so violent

But I have labored hard, broken every chain
With all the life in me, I fought through the strain
Now nothing could ever hold us apart but my fear
But the fact that you're nowhere to be found is so severe

Once I had to let you pass me by without a word
I had to stop myself from having my feelings heard
Now all of that has changed, I have made it through
And now all I want is to be able to live my life with you

Tell me where I can find you, where have you gone
Because there is no way my feelings can be withdrawn
Or will you come and find me, make it easy for me
Will I find you just around the corner, waiting on one knee

Please, somehow, I need to know the answer real soon
I've been looking everywhere, I even searched the moon
I know I will wait through all the good and bad weather
But don't you see that this is finally our chance to be together

Among The Stars

- originally written April 8, 2007 -

Laying in bed, looking up at the ceiling,
I can see the stars that I know are beyond.
Attempting to rifle through all of my feelings,
My dreams and hopes of which I am so fond.

I feel this pang, more like a wave, of sadness,
I can't make any of those hopes or dreams come true.
Not here in my world which is ruled by madness.
My heart bled and then I knew what I must do.

I will place each hope and each dream up there.
I must disguise and hide them among the stars.
Trying to protect them from my own despair.
Saving them before they too become scared.

As I lose them into the sky, I can only pray.
I pray someone will find and fulfill them all.
That they don't stay lost for long and decay.
They too deserve a chance, no matter how big or small.

Heartbeat

- originally written March 29, 2007 -

(i wrote this as a little prayer when my baby niece, Hamyl, had to have serious heart surgery before she even turned one years old.)

Every heartbeat you take
Is taken for futures sake
And if you doubt your guardian angel
Know that I send mine to your side
My angel will look after you
And carry you through
All for a simple smile in return
Your happiness is the only concern
May you never know pain
And may your smile remain

One More Night...

- originally written March 14, 2007 -

I have to stop asking god
To send you back to me again
One more night... One more night…
One more night into an eternity…
Let me just hold you in my arms
Lying next to you I feel my heart
Beating there in your heart
Your lips kiss a sigh to my forehead
As your fingers wipe away my tears
You pull me in closer to you
Protecting me from separation
No two things were ever made
To fit so perfectly together as we
I don't know where you begin or end
Lulled by the sound of your breathing
Whispered promises of beautiful dreams
I swear I could vanish into eternity
And I try so hard not to fall asleep
Waking without your arms around me
As the morning sun rises on the horizon
I curl up with my tears and wish for death

Disappointment And Indefference

- originally written February 25, 2007 -

(this poem is kind of a "part 2" to the poem "Twisted Logic")

The logic of a woman is known as doubt.
Faith is something her world is vastly without.
Give her the time to let this doubt grow inside,
And I can assure her love for you has surely died.

Disappointment will have taken a tight reign.
Her heart is gone; all that's left inside is the pain.
She left the world for you and you were untrue,
How could you do this to someone who trusted you?

Indifference is all you expect from her now.
The pain it all brings is more than she can allow.
Pity you, it's a shame, men can be so blind,
Now helpless, watch the past as it unwinds.

Your Curse

- originally written February 14, 2007 -

I see the curse that you carry around
The weight on your shoulders is profound
This world chose you to tear to pieces
And the pain, the way it never ceases

They stole your childhood from you
Innocence is something you never knew
Twisted and bent you till you broke
Stepped on your heart to make you choke

Shredded your soul with their blades
Ripped the life from you till it fades
Tore your skin, layer upon layer
You never had so much as a prayer

Now broken and beaten you carry on
This burden you'll never be able to pawn
So different that no one understands you
But it's not your fault you do what you do

And I'm captivated by your mutilation
I want nothing more than to be your salvation
I found something deep within your nothingness
Let me be the one to fill in your emptiness

Let me nurture your dead soul back to life
Make your heart beat again by pulling out the knife
I'll mend and heal your every broken bone
And melt away your heavy armor of stone

Letting Go

- originally written February 5, 2007 -

The thing is that I've been holding on to you
And that means you haven't been able to move on
I know now that I have to let you go on through
I just hate to think of what I'll do when you're gone

I thought I could keep you here, keep you next to me
Little did I know that you felt like a bird in a cage
Now the time has come to set things right, set you free
The story must go on, its time we turned the page

But the thing is that you've already left me here
I know because I can't feel you around me anymore
All I can feel now all around me is all the fear
But to ask you to stay, I can no longer implore

It may feel wrong to me here in my heart
But I also know deep down that this is right
Its time we went on our separate ways apart
We must move on as two strangers in the night

And even though your gone now and I'm still here
Know that as I move on I will still love you
And I'll try real hard not to shed another tear
Because I don't want this release to be untrue

Wrapped In The Cloth Of His Dreams

- originally written January 22, 2007 -

Wrapped in the cloth of his dreams
Nothing and yet everything is as it seems
I have lived through all his memories
It's more pleasant than imagined fantasies

Promises of days gone; and gone by
Raising my spirit into the sky to fly
Held me in his arms and protected me
If only I could make the whole world see

Made me the happiest woman on this here earth
Gave me new life, gave me a completely new birth
He turned my world into the grandest of paradise
Something even the greatest wizard couldn't alchemize

Love has touched my life; now I can't change
Even death couldn't make me exchange
And this is how I will go on living my life
With him as my husband, and me as his wife

Moving On

- originally written December 26, 2006 -

You and everyone I know keep telling me
That I need to move on from the past
Let me tell you, I completely disagree
And it all happened way too fast

I didn't ask god to take you away
So don't expect me to just get over it
It's not like you decided to not stay
Even if I try to hate you, it wont be legit

If I find someone else I'll be happy, so you say
How would you know? 'Cuz I seriously doubt it
I Wont even give that thought the time of day
So you and everyone else can go ahead and quit

Obviously you don't know the the extent of my love for you
I'm not going to stop living just because you're gone
Don't worry; I'm still going to see my life through
Even though you're not here, the sun still rises every dawn

But don't expect me to just pick up with someone else
I can live my life perfectly with just the memories of us
I don't need someone else to light the shadows on my face
So don't try to change my mind; it will remain forever thus

Epitome

- originally written November 29, 2006 -

I want so badly to write a poem
One that is the epitome of what I feel
I want my feelings to finally find a home
For my words to help me finally heal

I would say, stay with me for just today
But when tomorrow comes around
I wouldn't be able to let you go away
This is how deeply we will be bound

But if you cant hold me in your arms tight
And your life takes you to distant shores
I want to be able to finally sleep at night
And not see your face or my hand in yours

Through The Night Sky, From Across The World

- originally written November 29, 2006 -

Through the night sky, from across the world,
The wind carries your wishes and your dreams.
They were whispered in my ear as my hair swirled,
The moons glows so only you can see my eyes gleam.

So far away, I may never again find myself in your arms,
But I know that your spirit will light the shadows on my face.
I have come to peace with this distance, wont let it do me harm,
Only because I know that our love will live through time and grace.

I know that, if not now, then in another lifetime we will be together,
Destiny may play a game with us, but even destiny can't deny our truth.
And with knowing that, I know that I can wait for you through any weather,
Even if this youth has come and gone, I know we'll be together in another youth.

If we must wait while being separated, may you never know pain.
Go on, living your life, and may life find you nothing but delight.
All attempts to defy destiny and time have been in obvious vain.
I have now, after so long, finally found a way to live in peace tonight.

Evanescence

- originally written November 18, 2006 -

How can I find you, wherever you are?
Even harder than that, how would I tell you?
I don't think I have it in me to look near and far,
If only there was some way you already knew.

There is something you won't believe,
Something I can't even begin to explain.
Things that most people can never conceive.
But now this phenomenon has taken reign.

I've written about this many times on many pages,
And each word I write has you wrapped in its essence.
Our love has survived the challenges of the ages,
Now I must stop it from succumbing to evanescence.

I Beg You Please...

- originally written November 16, 2006 -

It's been so long now that you've been gone,
And all this time I have held up a brave front.
I never once let myself hold myself withdrawn,
Except in my writing; and in there I am blunt.

I can walk through the day and no one can tell,
But when I lay in bed alone at night, I am dead.
The lord took you away, took away my angel,
Left me here all alone as my heart tore and bled.

I don't know how much more of this I can take,
I can't live without you; it isn't really living at all.
Pain to the core of my soul; an ever constant ache,
The lack of you in my world holds me back like a wall.

I beg you, please, hold me in your arms once more,
Let me sleep with my heart beating next to yours.
Take me into your dreams and to a distant shore,
Heal my every wound by once again opening the door.

Kiss away every tear I ever shed and all of my fears,
Whisper in my ear that you love me; and will past eternity.
Promise me that you'll stay with me through the years,
Only then can I sleep and my soul can have serenity

Ever So Simply

- originally written November 14, 2006 -

Ever so simply you always do plead,
To know my dear hearts one deepest desire.
A single simple word you'll never read.
Nor the depth of this all consuming fire.

A desperate secret is left untold.
This lavish story is never ending.
A beautiful garden left to behold.
My lonely path is forever bending.

My life's intention is not too very clear.
These shadows on the walls, what do they mean?
What mysteries, so unknown, should I fear?
Distant possible futures, that cant be seen.

Carefully search through my past up to date.
And you shall find the answers to my fate.

Why I Decided To Commit The Crime

- originally written November 1, 2006 -

So you're wondering, you want to know why I did it
You're dying to know why I decided to commit this crime
Ok, I'll go ahead and tell you, but you might want to sit
I don't think you can handle the truth, even in a rhyme

The first truth is this; I became tired of playing your game
Your world so was twisted, and I was a willing pawn
But then even you began to lose, and it all fell to flames
So I decided it was time to indulge myself before all was gone

The second truth, one that most likely never crossed you mind
And it's a sad truth, that this crime is a crime only in your eyes
The time had come for me to take reign, even if you were blind
And you should know that this isn't a crime; no, this is my prize

There is a part of me that feels guilty, but a part of me feels free
Because I know this guilt is merely another one of your mind games
I hate you for this false guilt, but I'm moving on to different seas
I'm going to be the bigger person and move past any blame

Believe what you want; I won't try to change your mentality
Though it's quite sad that you'll always be in denial about the facts
But I've made my choice and I'm done living with your reality
And now its time for me to move on and make my own tracks

The Ghost Of What We Were

- originally written October 19, 2006 -

Can you hear my whispers in the silent stillness?
Do you miss the way I took care of you in illness?
Can you feel my heartbeat in the depth of your soul?
Do you miss the feel of my hand in yours on a stroll?

Do you miss my warmth when you sleep alone?
Can you see that the distance between us has grown?
Do memories of me occupy your every thought?
Can you live from now on through this distraught?

Does the ghost of what we were haunt you consistently?
Dare to ask yourself why you did it, and do so persistently!
Is it torture to know that this torture is your own fault?
When you find the answer, take your logic with a pinch of salt!

Because I would have stood by you through all life could bring!
And you can never justify that you put an end to this good thing!
Don't ever even dare ask me to forgive you; because I won't do it!
This is all your own fault; you're the coward who decided to quit!

Pieces

- originally written October 8, 2006 -

Driving around at night, trying to clear my head
And I'm letting the moon wrap me in her care
I'm searching through every word you ever said
Looking through every moment we ever did share

I have to stop myself from reaching for my phone
So badly I want to call you, hear you ask "hello?"
But I doubt I'll hear memories of me in your tone
And that thought alone is enough to make my hand slow

But I have this one last constant lingering question
And all you have to do is answer it to make this end
All I ask is that you give me one simple confession
In all that time, did it mean anything, or was it pretend?

But I guess I cant leave it at just that; one last claim
If it meant something, then why did you let it go?
If it was all pretend, why did you play this game?
You'll never know the pieces you've left me in; how low

Stigmatized

- originally written October 2, 2006 -

My life, twisted, has been long and hard
I have more wounds then I can tell you about
The body of what is left is beyond scarred
One would think of healing as only a doubt

So you ask me why I can't let you into my life
How can I explain to you that I don't know how
As much as I try, I can't sort through this strife
You can't be let in during this war, it's just not allowed

See, the problem here lies in what is to commence
I am now working restlessly to make things better
Working to finally find answers that have sense
To finally finally finally be free of this fetter

And you may think there is space for you now
But I still can't let you in, the risk is too great
No matter how good you might be to me, a vow
There's a chance you'll break my heart, turn to hate

In the delicate balance that I have now created
Nothing could make me change my mind
There is no room for you; it has been stated
I'm sorry I couldn't make it sound more kind

After So Many Days

- originally written September 21, 2006 -

After so many days memories of you return
The wind tells and retells me of our tale
And my poor heart, how it desperately it yearns
To live with you past this delicately restraining veil

This wind that blows, is this the same wind
That first pulled and pushed us together
This rain that falls, is this the same rain
That first coaxed our lips to come together
This tree that now sighs, is this the tree
That we promised one another to each other under

All these memories float to the top
And I know your right here next to me
I know it enough to make my heart stop
I know it in my heart to the deepest degree

All I want to do is reach out with my hand
And just caress your face one more time
And then I'll go willingly to become sand
I'll let my life become an endless rhyme

Astray

- originally written September 16, 2006 -

So we're trying to pursue something here, right?
But you keep disappearing every other second
And that always leads to us having to have a fight
And I am not a force with which to be reckoned

So you need to stop and make a decision
'Cuz I'm willing to take a chance if you are
I don't want this to be something I merely envision
I want this to be real, and not something from afar

So you either need to become definite
Or you need to turn around and walk away
My patience is not something that's infinite
And I won't wait if your mind and heart are astray

Twisted Logic

- originally written September 16, 2006 -

The logic of a woman is known as doubt
It is a twisted logic indeed for a twisted life
Faith is something her world is vastly without
And to live a life of peace will be her eternal strife

It is the ever fatiguing work of a man to reassure her
Why this burden is thrust upon him, he will never know
His love for her is something that he must with her confer
And something that he must forever upon her openly bestow

It is tedious work; know that from the very foundation
Do not attempt to make one yours unless you are devoted
I am warning you now; once you begin there is no salvation
Know that you might destroy her if your will is ever demoted

An Unsolvable Quarrel

- originally written September 11, 2006 -

You and I, we were together forever
But I saw you kissing another girl
Now our ties have become severed
And it makes my whole world whirl

You Say its killing you inside that we are apart
But little do you know that I'm already dead
You say being away from you is tearing up your heart
But how would you know how my heart is shred

We'll never be one again; this is an unsolvable quarrel
No matter how many times you put it in pen
Maybe this will finally teach you a moral
To never do something like this ever again

Time Is Something We Don't Have

- originally written September 11, 2006 -

We seem to come from the same world
Yet mine is somehow much more constricted
A chaos would commence if it were unfurled
And our coming together seems to be restricted

Time is something that our world doesn't allow
And yet we try so hard to defy every last law
So dangerous to jump from the highest bough
Yet it is something from which we cannot withdraw

There is an extreme danger in our coming together
And as hard as you try, it hasn't happened yet
Do you think we should blame it on the weather?
Or your complete lack of getting your priorities set?

Angels Dwell

- originally written September 7, 2006 -

Angels dwell just beyond the distance of our reach,
And yet they are by your side always and forever.
Sometimes we may not hear what they teach,
But they will leave your side absolutely never.

Pay close attention and you'll feel it in your soul,
As their blessing and protection goes through you.
In the way that even when your not, you feel whole.
In the way that you all of a sudden have a clue.

The way that when you don't know where to turn
And all of a sudden your heart is filled with calm.
Your happiness is the only thing that they yearn,
Their only wish is to lay the world in your palm.

So know that you will be forever loved completely,
By a beautiful angel that looks after you ever so sweetly.

Close The Door

- originally written August 11, 2006 -

Waiting for you leaves me in pain,
Memories of you leave me breathless.
Attempts of a normal life go in vain,
As this unexplainable sadness takes reign.

I know you had no part in leaving me,
But I still want to demand to know why?
Why you left me crying, down on my knees?
Wrenching my heart out as I say goodbye.

My heart is heavy now, my soul is cold.
I have no complaints against life anymore.
I'm tired; I just want to rest now and grow old.
As you leave, please close the door.

Waiting

- originally written August 6, 2006 -

Through so many different dreams,
I have lived out our lives together.
No, it wasn't as smooth as a stream,
But at least we had our forever.

Together, we were, in a past life,
And we lived through every situation.
Your were my husband, and I your wife.
And none of it was a mere infatuation.

Then as I was dreaming deep one night,
I watched helpless, as death took you from me.
So sudden, I couldn't even put up a fight,
And I knew this end was what was meant to be.

Now there is only one thing left to do,
I'll sit here waiting, for the years to pass by.
I hope I only have to wait one year, maybe two,
Until, finally, next to you I can once again lie.

Somehow, Two Lifetimes Came To Collide

- originally written August 3, 2006 -

All those sleepless nights.
All those confusing dreams.
I'm beginning to see some light.
I finally understand the seams.

I've come to a realization.
I think I finally understand.
And yet I feel no elation.
Somehow this isn't grand.

I had wondered a number of times,
What all those dreams could have meant.
In searching, I wrote too many rhymes.
As thoughts of you came and went.

I thought we were meant to be together.
That the dreams were of a life to come.
The future was something we could weather.
That we would never have to succumb.

But it wasn't the future I was looking at.
It wasn't what was coming after all.
The realization came like a hit from a bat.
Now all that's left is enough to make me fall.

Its not the future in which we belong.
It was all in a past life that you and I reside.
All along, all this time, I had it all wrong.
Somehow two lifetimes came to collide

I'll Cease To Be

- originally written July 25, 2006 -

I've dreamed of you for so long,
Lived out my whole life with you.
In my heart I know its wrong,
But its always been such a beautiful view.
Its always been such a beautiful song.

But when I dream of you,
And you have no love for me,
It makes me so sick, I could die.
I could drown myself in the sea,
Without saying so much as goodbye.
I swear to god, I'll cease to be

Torn Between These Ways

- originally written July 26, 2006 -

In the moments of my weakness,
I don't know what I'll do without you.
And I pray for my life to come to an end.
Without you, life is a miserable bleakness.
All the colors gone, even the sky isn't blue.
And I don't think I can survive life's every bend.

In the moments of my strength,
I have the will in me to stand alone.
And I can look to the future to come.
I can live with this roads lengths.
Absolutely nothing is written in stone.
And there is no need for me to be numb.

Only one problem lies ahead of me,
Being torn between theses ways.
Made so dizzy, I can barely see,
I guess this is how Ill live out my days.

Memory of You Linger

- originally written July 25, 2006 -

The memory of you lingers,
Like a shadow or a dream.
If I just reach out with my fingers,
I might just be able to trace your gleam.

The depth of my emotions overwhelms me.
I'm scared of the extent of my love for you.
A feeling so strong, I'm down on my knees.
I'm lost without you; I don't know what to do.

You've gone so far away,
And I miss you way too much.
I can't help thinking of you night and day,
And I'm desperate for your touch

Why Am I Still Holding On To You?

- originally written July 5, 2006 -

Who are you?
Why do I think of you day and night?
I haven't got so much as a clue,
As of how to make everything right.

Why did you come into my life?
With not a single word to say?
Why is your silence like a knife?
Cutting me and keeping me at bay.

And now that your long gone,
Why am I still holding on to you?
Thinking of you beyond dusk and dawn.
And my life is suddenly subdued.

And I sit and wonder.
What Ill do when I see you once more.
Will the silence be as loud as thunder?
Will I be able to refrain from running out the door?

I keep telling myself to be brave.
To tell you that your driving me crazy.
I keep telling myself I'll be able to behave.
That I wont let the tears make my eyes hazy.

But to tell you the truth, I'm so scared.
What if I never do see you again?
What if I go forever undeclared?
What will I do then?

I Wish I Didn't Have To Dream

- originally written June 23, 2006 -

I wish I didn't have to dream.
To a world where things aren't as they seem.
Known too many reasons for strife.
I have known many torments in life.
But none as worse as being shown happiness;
Life as simple as the flutter of a butterfly's wing.
And then waking up to no such thing.

I wish I didn't have to see such things,
Taken to a place where even the moon sings.
I don't wish to be shown peace and love.
I can't listen to this happiness you speak of.
These things I can't have in the conscious life,
Pierce my heart as if they were the sharpest knife.
And make my life so much harder to live with.
I cant live with a heart heavy with pain.
A pain that make my tears fall like rain.

The Work of Angels

- originally written June 20, 2006 -

I didn't watch the sun set today, no,
Today I watched the day turn to night.
As the gates to the celestial heavens were exposed.
As the castles of the angels were undisclosed.
Watched as the angels returned to their homes,
As they talked in lyrics, ballads, and poems.
Talked about human loss and gain,
Talked to one another of love and pain.
Of the lives they've tried to touch and alter,
Of how even their own faith is beginning to falter.
I watched as they cam home tired and shaken.
Thinking, maybe humans are best forsaken.
Now they come home to take an earned respite.
For, soon enough, they will again take up the fight.
And when the night again turns to day,
They will again work to end the fray.

The Past Can't Be Easily Wished Away

- originally written June 9, 2006 -

So long did I pine for you
I guess I just didn't think it through
So long did I sit in wait
I cant believe I wanted you to be my fate

So much of my time is now lost
Its my own fault so I can't regret the cost
Too much of my energy was wasted
I guess this disgust has to be tasted

There's no point looking back
There's nothing there worth jack
The past cant be easily wished away
There's not point of reliving that dismay

Ive left you so far behind
By all means, continue being blind
The only way I'm looking now is ahead
And I'm thinking joyous thoughts instead

I feel so open and free now
You cant even imagine how
Liberty is so aesthetic
My soul is again energetic

Stranger

- originally written May 30, 2006 -

From where do I know you?
Is my memory of you true?
How can I be so sure it's all real?
What is my mind trying to reveal?

Why do you frequent my dreams?
Why do images of you seem to fit into schemes?
Does this sequence make any sense?
What is my mind trying to commence?

Why is my memory of you tied to a song?
How can you be gone for so long?
Why does the memory of you feel like a shadow?
Why am I waiting for you at the window?

Desperately Hopeless

- originally written May 7, 2006 -

i've written one poem after another
sometimes i wonder why i even bother
i cant seem to figure any of it out
its seems like such a repetitive route

i tell myself that your much too dim
i tell myself that my anger is over the brim
anger at the way you cant see the potential
at the way that your blindness is so sequential

i tell myself that im so over you
i tell myself that our chance is past due
im over the way that you just cant see me
and the chance has passed, of what we could be

but i guess im just lying to myself
i guess im hopeing that it'll hide itself
cuz your still what occupies my every thought
your still the reason my days are so distraught

i wish there was some way
i could stop my every thought
from being about you, some way

but i feel so desperately hopeless
i want to give up, i want it to be over
i just dont know what else i can do

i almost want to come out and tell you
i wish i could just put it into plain view
and beg you to finally open your eyes and see
that standing rite here in front of you is only me

but im so afraid of the answer that'll make my heartbeat slow
so afraid that you'll say exactly what i already know
that i dont mean to you what i wish i did
that im just some little insignificant kid

and although i already know this to be true
trust me, i know this through and through
but its when you actually say it that my life will quake
it is then that my heart will completely break

and then what will i do
and then where will i go
when i cant even pretend anymore
that there is a chance
i might mean something to you

Desperatly Hopeless (Raw Version)

- originally written May 7, 2006 -

i've written one poem after another
but i can't seem to figure any of it out
i tell myself that your much too dim
to see the potential between us
i tell myself that i'm over you
over the way you just cant see me
but i guess i'm just lying to myself
cuz your still what occupies my every thought

and i wish there was some way
i could stop my every thought
from being about you, some way

but i feel so desperately hopeless
i want to give up, i want it to be over
i just done know what else i can do

i almost want to come out and tell you
and beg you to finally open your eyes and see
but i'm so afraid that you'll say exactly what i already know
that i don't mean to you what i wish i did
and although i already know this to be true
it's when you actually say it that my heart will completely break

and then what will i do
and then where will i go
when i cant even pretend anymore
that there is a chance
i might mean something to you

I'm Finally Free Of Your Blindness

- originally written March 14, 2006 -

It's much to late
I'm going to leave now
I can't believe you never saw our fate
I'll never be able to figure out how

How could you be so blind
How could I have actually waited
What is it that you couldn't find
What was there left to be created

But I'm done standing here
And I'm done waiting for you
I won't even spare you a tear
Won't even bother leaving a clue

Now all that's left is the debris
After all hope was through razing
It's almost a shame you didn't see
Cuz we could have been amazing

Now I shall walk away with grace
I'm amazed I feel so weightless
With a gentle smile on my face
I'm finally free of your blindness

How Can I Make You See?

- originally written March 12, 2006 -

How can I tell you?
That its me you seek.
How will you ever know?
That without me, your life is bleak.

Look into my dark brown eyes
And you'll see that I hold the secret
To every question you ever asked

Kiss my tender sweet lips
And you will come to realize
That I am the breath to your soul

Gently caress my soft cheek
and you'll feel it under your fingers
That I am the embodiment of your dreams

But how do I make you see?
That I'm here at this moment in time
When will you ever realize?
That together we would be sublime

All I can do now is hope
That soon you'll come to understand
Because I cant stay here forever
Soon I'll drift away like wind and sand

This War

- originally written March 8, 2006 -

I'm an old soldier
All wounded and worn
Every part of me
So Twisted and torn

Longer than I'd like to remember
I've been fighting night and day
Life is emptier than December
The past and future alike are grey

Did you hear me when
I cried out for peace
Cried out for silence
Where were you when
I cried out in pain
Cried out for help

Now it's too late for help or change
As i go into this final battle
This one will be much too strange
Enough to make the world rattle

But this time may be my last
I don't think I'll make it out alive
There's nothing i can do for the past
But there's no way left to survive

I Miss You

- originally written February 20, 2006 -

I miss you
Its as simple as this
Your gone
Now there is no bliss

Without seeing you
My poor soul is cursed
Only your dear voice
Could quench this thirst

Your sweet words so lyrical
I'm empty without them
The pain is almost physical
I'm a rose without a stem

The raw pain is so real
Everything so black and white
You cant imagine how I feel
I cant seem to find the light

Statue

- originally written August 1, 2005 -

she's dead now
and there's nothing i can do about it
cant change the fact
i watched it happen
slow and painful
there was no point
in trying to save her
glass walls separate
her from the world
i just stood and watched
maybe it was just my imagination
no one else seemed to notice
turned my back on her
and walked away
as her last breath
passed her lips
never even turned my head
to look back
at her lifeless body
as it turned to stone
now merely a statue
who's beauty is marveled at

Wings Torn

- originally written March 23, 2005 -

An angel,
With wings torn,
No longer can she fly.
Worn.

She will now watch,
Through silent eyes,
As the world passes her by.
Forlorn.

Suffocating slowly,
She knows too well,
Soon, she will die.
Mourn.

Violated

- originally written sometime back in 2005/2006 -

I have lived in Elk Grove for over seven years now.I have heard all the stories about how this little town used to be nothing be fields and pastures with an occasional house scattered here or there. It breaks my heart that there is not many places like that left, and my family along with thousands of others are the reason that Elk Grove is no longer that place. When my family moved to Elk Grove, there were houses and business buildings everywhere; there were only a few fields here and there. My heart is in constant ache as I watch what little fields we have left being built upon, one by one. The area where I live now, that land was once owned by the family of one of my friends. And I have heard her grandfather tell stories of what it used to look like. Although I know there is no possible way to go back to the way it was, I wish in my heart of hearts that we could go back; so many families live there now; where would everyone go; and the population is constantly growing. Another friend of mine is always telling me stories of how her grandmother’s house was one of those few scattered houses and that she grew up running around in those fields. And how she has watched all of those beautiful fields, with all their animals, disappear in a matter of years.

I, myself, have watched those few leftover fields disappear one by one over the seven years. Wondering, wishing, hoping, praying that there was some way I could stop it, some way I could save it. I watched as one field in particular was paved over, a field which for no reason in particular gave me a feeling of calm; maybe it was because of the lack of houses, lack of people, lack of trash, and the abundance of clear beautiful sky. Although only a few acres, it felt that space went on for miles and miles with nothing but grass, jackrabbits, birds, butterflies and pure blue sky. But I watched the ground get paved; I watched them build a giant grey cement FoodCo. there. All of a sudden, instead of seeing clear blue sky, all I could see was a big GREY CEMENT BUILDING in the way!!!! I wanted to cry…cry like a child…because someone had stolen my sky away.

And now they have taken something else away from me. Highway 99 passes about a mile (give or take) away from where I live. The main street in our area is Sheldon Road, which has an overpass above Highway 99. On all four sides of the overpass, there were these little areas of land, maybe less than a quarter acre in size each, where nothing grew except grass and these grand beautiful majestic trees. They had been there for as long as I have been in Elk Grove and I am sure they must have been there for decade and decades before I ever stepped foot in this city; decades and decades before I ever even took a breathe for myself in this world. Sheldon Road in this area is a two lane (one going in each direction) street, which means that during traffic hours, one could find as much traffic on this main street as they could on any highway or freeway. But it has been that way for as long as I can remember, seven years now. I have only been driving myself for about two years, but I know that if I have anywhere I need to go, anywhere north or south and even sometimes east or west of where I lived, I would have to take Sheldon Road. I always take the time and the amount of traffic I can expect into mind and leave home early enough so that having to wait my turn in traffic doesn’t turn me into a monster who constantly curses the fact that the road is only a two lane road.

But about two weeks ago, they bulldozed the trees down on all sides of the overpass. And I did cry this time. I have driven past or over that overpass almost every day that I have lived in this city. Those trees, those majestic trees, where a part of the city, where a part of my life, a part of me and everything I identified with in this city (most of you know how I feel about living in Elk Grove). They were beauty, they were peace, they were shade, and they were life.

The best I can guess is that the city is planning to expand the road so there are more lanes and less traffic. As I was on my way to school one morning, I say them with their bulldozers, cutting down those trees. My soul silently screamed out “Stop! Those Trees are older then you are or will ever be! How dare you!” And as I watched, I felt them bulldoze my heart right out of my chest. Now, everyday, as I pass that overpass several times a day, all I see is roads and buildings and cars, but no trees. And I feel naked. I feel violated. I physically feel like I need to cover my body regardless of the fact that I am fully clothed. Every time I pass that overpass, whether I am alone or there is someone in the car with me, I can’t help but fall completely silent. A moment of silence for the death of what was. And as my eyes fill with tears, I wish for nothing more to be past this area so I wont have to look at and feel the nakedness.

This particular event has opened my eyes to a whole world of this same situation happening EVERYWHERE. And my soul cries out for everything that we have lost to date, and everything that we will lose in the future. And I wonder, will Gods green earth one day become mans grey earth of cement? And in my heart of hearts, I know that the possibility is far too great.


(I know that in this blog I constantly used the words “I” and “me” and I constantly talked about what I lost and what I felt, and not what others feel from this same loss. But I can’t speak for anyone other than myself. I encourage everyone to write something about something like this.)