.
Hey, slow it down.
What do you want from me?
I find that to be a rather unfair question for you to be asking me, considering that several months ago the table was turned and I had asked you this very same question.
Six years now, we've been like this. Met under whirlwind circumstances, and stuck together in a way that only dysfunction could hold together. And that's the way we have been all this time. Six years of a never ending ebb and flow of dysfunction.
So, I had no choice but to ask you what you wanted from me. Your answer was only silence and that look in your eyes. A look that told me that you did love me, that you did wish you could make things different, but that you didn't have an answer for me; that you did not know what you wanted.
Now, it's me sitting on the edge of the bed in silence, and it's you standing there not two yards in front of me. Looking down at my face, eyes imploring for answers, fingers wringing as if entire lives depended on the answer to this question.
But just like back then when you didn't have any answers for me, and regardless of how much I wish I had an answer for you, I don't have any I can give to you. And now, finally, I think I understand your answer that was silence.
Just don't give up.
I'm working it out.
Yes, but those are the same exact words we've been telling each other, and ourselves, all along. They're nothing more than a hollow mantra now.
Please, don't give in.
I won't let you down.
I wish I believed that. I wish I could make myself believe that. I know that you love me, there was never any doubt. I know you wish you could make things different, it's not like you never tried. But after six years of this, six years that have felt like a forever, I just can't do this anymore.
I can't do the fights, the silences, the passion, the utter dysfunction. Somehow, these are the only ways we can express what we mean to each other, these are the things that hold us together, and yet these are the things that will never let us move forward.
It messed me up. I need a second to breathe.
I know you love me. And don't you ever doubt that I loved you. In fact, I've never been able to discern which one of us loved the other more. But I can't do this anymore.
As your eyes search mine for answers, silence is the only answer I can give to you because there are no more words for this. My bags are already packed. I am going somewhere far away, some new place that I've never been before. Some place that isn't tainted yet.
I wish I could say to you that I hope somewhere down the line we would run into each other again. That we would both be in a different place in our lives and that we could try again. Because, deep deep down somewhere, there really is a part of me that wishes this. But I can't tell you that.
Because, the truth of the matter is that I won't be waiting. I think we've been over for a while now, we just didn't know it till now. And in that time between being over and finally knowing, I've had the chance to come to terms with everything that has happened and will happen. I still love you, and always will, but I'm over you now. I'm ready for my life to move forward.
I wont be waiting for you. I'm going to start a new life, meet someone new, someone stable. I'm going to get married and start a family. And I hope you can do the same for yourself. Which is why it's probably best if we don't ever run into each other down the line. I can't imagine it would be healthy or pleasant in any way for either of us.
But, here, in this present moment, I truly do wish there was an answer I could give to you. But I think we both finally realized that there isn't one, is there? That's why you couldn't give me an answer either when I asked you the same question months ago, isn't it? Because there are no words that could fix this or hold it all together.
